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  #1  
Old 11-06-2014, 04:39 PM
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What not to say during sex

-The worst thing you can ever say or talk about to a guy after sex is mentioning anything remotely about, related to, or concerning his mother. It will deflate that mood in less than a nanosecond. Trust me, I'm guilty as charged.

-"Can you do that thing I like?"... I never know what she's talking about! All of a sudden, I'm playing a guessing game.

-"But everybody looks funny naked!"

-He put his hand over my mouth and said "Shhhh. Every time you talk, it goes down".
-One time things were getting hot and heavy with my girlfriend, she whispers my name into my ear, and, for some reason, I still don't know why, I proceed to whisper my own name back into her ear.

-"What the .... is that on my dick?" It was a giant blood clot. Thanks, uterus.

-I met this much younger, naÔve guy after a breakup. He'd only had brief sexual encounters with two women previously. We started playing around and I started giving him a handjob. He exploded within seconds and there was a lake of cum on his stomach, and I said without hesitation "Wow... don't you ever play with yourself?"

-Girl taps on dick and says "Is this thing on?" while holding it like a microphone.

-"Jesus. Every other girl I've been with would have cum by now".

-The morning after, I asked her if I was a good lover. She said I was "Definitely in the top 50!"

-My wife once told me she had been trying to pull my best mate when she met me. For some reason she thought bringing it up during sex would be the best time. I sometimes wonder if she still thinks about him.

-"You woke me up for that?"

-I once drunkenly hooked up with a guy I'd been friends with for a couple of years. We were at a party at his place and the music was loud enough to be heard from the bedroom so we didn't turn any on when we started fooling around. Everything was going great, we had moved onto the actual sex, when he starts... softly singing. It's not the song that's playing out in the living room either, he just decided to start singing, and he's getting louder and louder until he's really belting it out. "BYYYYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY!" It was ....ing weird.

-"That was nice". Sex isn't supposed to be 'nice' - it's sex. Anything short of 'wow' and a guy will think he didn't perform well.

-I once had sex with a girl who asked me if I was nearly done. Talk about instant turn off. Weirdly, she called me the next day to say shed had a great time. I'd deleted her number by then.

-"Do you smell something burning?"

-He called me his wife's name. I didn't know he was married.

-Never say "I wish you could've lasted longer". Only adds pressure for next time and it won't solve the problem!

-"That's my stomach". It was my first time and she was a bit overweight, I just stuck it where it felt the best.

I was in LA on a business trip. I met what I thought was my soul mate. Nuzzling up to her after our loving making session, basking in the glow of it, and I whispered in her ear "How was it for you?" She replied "Better than a root canal".

"And to think, I was trying to pull your best friend!"

-About halfway through this girl asked if I was a virgin. This was basically the biggest blow to my self-confidence I can think of.

-"Did I mention the video camera?"

-My boyfriend said "peepee sad" after a series of giggle fits during sex. He then got up and hit me in the eye with his dick.

-"You're an 8 in the dark!"

-The first "I love you". This happened to me during my college years and made things very awkward since we just started seeing each other.

-"We used a condom, right?"

-My girlfriend said "Shall we make a baby?" while we were having sex. It freaked me out so much I left her.

-"And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!"

"If I were you, I would learn how to please a woman". Ouch.

-I like my girlfriends mum... I just don't want to talk about her while we're shagging. We were shagging over her place one time when said "Shhh! Can you keep it down? My mum's a light sleeper".

-"You remind me of my ex and it makes me uncomfortable... could you please leave?"

-"We have to hurry, my boyfriend will be here soon".

-I was actually naked before she decided to tell me she had genital warts. I put my clothes on again pretty quick!

-"Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober".

-"So... do you just wanna, just, like, cuddle instead?"

"That's not what I expected" can be crushing because it hits at the core of a man's self-image.

-A girl once said my dick was cute. I was soft at the time so it wasn't that bad but even so, I didn't appreciate it.

-"Maybe you're just out of practice".

-Once after about 10 pumps I called out "SURPRISE!"... then came all over her stomach. It was to cover my embarrassment at coming so quickly.

-My girlfriend's brother and I have the same name. After learning this amazing fact, the next few times we had sex his face would pop into my head whenever she said out my name.
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  #2  
Old 11-06-2014, 06:29 PM
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-"We have to hurry, my boyfriend will be here soon".
hahahahaha
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:23 AM
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"Peepee sad" had me rolling for some reason.
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Old 11-07-2014, 06:38 AM
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-He put his hand over my mouth and said "Shhhh. Every time you talk, it goes down".



H
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Old 11-07-2014, 09:35 AM
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A simple "uh oh" gets em every time.....
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Old 11-07-2014, 10:25 AM
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How about " in this light you look just like your sister"....
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Old 11-07-2014, 01:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorilla34 View Post
"Peepee sad" had me rolling for some reason.
Me too. That shit was funny.
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Old 11-07-2014, 01:22 PM
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"-One time things were getting hot and heavy with my girlfriend, she whispers my name into my ear, and, for some reason, I still don't know why, I proceed to whisper my own name back into her ear."

Too ....ing funny!
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